It's odd. I wrote this huge long post and couldn't put it up. Because of this odd body shaming that I've had happen. I'm in this strange paradox right now, where I feel pretty confident about how I look (in general) but also have these huge shame issues attached to my body in certain regards, and when I've mentioned them I've been shot down as 'not knowing how bad people with real body issues have it'. So... I don't know. Strange uncomfortable feelings about blogging about them. So instead I'm just gonna say, guys. Don't make fun of people or say their body image issues aren't real or aren't good enough because other peoples are worse. Then it just makes them not want to talk about it at all. *cough* yeah.. so things.  And no it hasn't really been the LJ community, you peeps on my friendslist, so don't worry about that... not trying to put any of you down, just kind of sending a reminder out to the world at large through the crazy-vibes of the internets...

So... the next four months are gonna be flat out crazy.
Gone Thurs-Wed for Rainfurrest and spend an extra 2 days there to see a friend.
back
Dad arrives Fri with his GF and we go out to Silverthorne for 3 days
Leaves Monday
I leave Thursday morning for ArizonaFurCon
Back Wednesday
Spend a WEEK at home thank goodness
Leave for a week

So... yeah... dunno how much I'll be around here.
Also, yay fall! 
So I know it's silly. I know some people would like to be my size (relatively I guess).  I know I am not unattractive. And yet some days I stare in the mirror and just feel like crap.  Like nothing is right. And most of this probably stems from the fact that I am incredibly out of shape. The fact that my pants size hasn't changed to much during all of these health problems is a tribute to my diet/good metabolism/decent amount of walking.  But really. I was in the best shape of my life before these stupid injuries and I am just now able to get to work out again (Very VERY carefully as per my doctors orders). And I feel like crap. And I feel like I must look like crap because of it.

I got all dolled up for this Halloween party I just came back from and was feeling pretty good about myself and one stupid freaking offhand comment from a guy that I barely even heard just sent me tumbling back down the rabbit hole. I doubt myself, I doubt that I will ever get back in shape, and I doubt that I will ever go on a date with someone I find attractive again.  It is ridiculous. I am completely aware of this. I know that I am not some hideous person that no one can love, and yet it gets to me.  And when I am feeling particularly vulnerable it just hits hard.  Depression is one of those struggles that often seems to hit just when you are feeling your best. When you are on top of the world and having a great time and suddenly it side-swipes you and you have no idea where it came from and how to claw your way out of the stringy greasy pit of self doubt and loathing that it tossed you in. 

I have been absolutely loving being in Colorado. Sincerely, totally loving it.  I have made fantastic friends here, and have strengthened my previous friendships. I love getting to go hiking, I adore the crispness of the weather. I REALLY love hanging out with other artists. But dammit I wish I could have left the depression and body issues back in Texas.

May 2016

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