So I know it's silly. I know some people would like to be my size (relatively I guess).  I know I am not unattractive. And yet some days I stare in the mirror and just feel like crap.  Like nothing is right. And most of this probably stems from the fact that I am incredibly out of shape. The fact that my pants size hasn't changed to much during all of these health problems is a tribute to my diet/good metabolism/decent amount of walking.  But really. I was in the best shape of my life before these stupid injuries and I am just now able to get to work out again (Very VERY carefully as per my doctors orders). And I feel like crap. And I feel like I must look like crap because of it.

I got all dolled up for this Halloween party I just came back from and was feeling pretty good about myself and one stupid freaking offhand comment from a guy that I barely even heard just sent me tumbling back down the rabbit hole. I doubt myself, I doubt that I will ever get back in shape, and I doubt that I will ever go on a date with someone I find attractive again.  It is ridiculous. I am completely aware of this. I know that I am not some hideous person that no one can love, and yet it gets to me.  And when I am feeling particularly vulnerable it just hits hard.  Depression is one of those struggles that often seems to hit just when you are feeling your best. When you are on top of the world and having a great time and suddenly it side-swipes you and you have no idea where it came from and how to claw your way out of the stringy greasy pit of self doubt and loathing that it tossed you in. 

I have been absolutely loving being in Colorado. Sincerely, totally loving it.  I have made fantastic friends here, and have strengthened my previous friendships. I love getting to go hiking, I adore the crispness of the weather. I REALLY love hanging out with other artists. But dammit I wish I could have left the depression and body issues back in Texas.
So my health has been crummy. Yep, we've talked about this. I have been doing better about keeping my diet more on track (less carbs/sugars) and trying to be good about taking my pills but you know what helps the most?

Two things.
1) Getting OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE. Which is one of the main reasons I moved... I hardly did it in Texas as for most of the year it was too bloody hot. And this week I was kind of bad about it because I felt really pressured to finish some commissions. But you know what? On the days I did get out and walk around... with a friend, with my puppy, just AROUND. I felt a lot better. And that translated through to the morning. I slept better, and I didn't wake up feeling like I was coming out of an anxiety attack.

2) Being with friends. Getting a chance to hang out with my buddy Wolf-Nymph noticeably lowered my stress level too. I.e. yesterday, when I did both things, I slept infinitely better than I have in quite a while, and didn't wake up with chest pains.

It's funny what happens when you listen to your doctor and your body. And it is kind of proving to me that I did the right thing coming here. I am MUCH more inclined to get outside here, and go and DO things. Not to mention Colorado is full of artsy friends. I love being creative with other people, it makes the process so much more enjoyable and fluid.

In other news, still looking for a permanent place to be, and staring at the list of THINGS TO DO. Which is too damn long.
I decided to sit down and make a proper list and damn. I mean, just damn. I have an awful lot of stuff on the burner, but really not enough of it is paid work >< Which is just kind of painful. But still. I hope to finish up the playing cards in the next three weeks (hoping to finish early, we'll see if it happens - my commissions always take first priority). I have a lot of personal projects I need to work on and a ton of internet/businessy stuff to finish *blagh*. The only bit of being a small business I don't care for is the actual BUSINESS side of it, but whatever.

Next convention is OklaCon, so prepping some steampunky goodness right now *grinz*
I've gathered all lot more of it since living with Todd. I think it's one of those I knew he wasn't going anywhere for a while so my normal nature of 'can I/would I want to move this?' got disregarded. Not to say I don't normally gather things, but I also normally purge once a year or so.

Now I am purging a couple years of crap. I'm trying to condense my life back into the boxes it once fit in. It will never go completely back in, I mean, I have an 'office' now to deal with. But it can get a lot smaller.

Had to go back to the doctor today. Want to know whats fun? When the doctor does a series of tests and gives you a funny look and walks off. Then comes back and says, well, I just want to check something... And flips to the page of his medical book on 'Digitalis'. Now if you pay any attention to crime scene shows, or if you are just a plant nerd like me, you know this is used to treat heart conditions and is pretty potent stuff (and that it comes from foxglove). Then he goes... "Ooooh thats why" He said the tests were coming up that I needed it but not to treat a heart condition necessarily but that it would help break up the anxiety block or something that I am having that is causing my heart to be stupid. Weird. Medicine is weird, and bodies are weird, and life is just strange. So I took digitalis today! It was a one shot thing that apparently is supposed to shock my system back to normal or something.. I didn't pay enough attention, I was also busy with all these other tests he was running.

I hope this takes care of it all, I'm tired of paying for doctors visits. I mean, he is a nice guy and all but dammit, I need that money.

In other news, the house is about half packed up. And that half is everything but the studio. Bathroom minus necessities is packed, most of the kitchen is packed, most of the bedroom is good. And the studio... well the studio looks like a bomb exploded, a thief stole most of my books, and is otherwise... unpacked. *sigh* hopefully we can rectify this monday, when a good friend is coming over to sigh over me and help things get in boxes.

Hope everyone else is doing well and guess what? MOUNTAINS! MOUNTAINS IN BARELY OVER A WEEK! WOOHOO!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I LOVE RMFC.  This is one of my favorite conventions.  There are a lot of fantastic local artists, the convention is big enough to have a nice crowd but small enough that I don't feel claustrophobic if I walk around, and the staff is just lovely.  I will definitely be returning.

So my trip has gone like this (so far).
Left Dallas at 4 in the morning on Wednesday. And promptly got lost.  They had shut down a major highway (and the frontage road) for quite a ways and the detour route was NOT well marked.  So I wandered lost in Dallas for an hour or so before I found my way back to the road.  Then I drove for 15 hours or so.  Blagh.  The first 8 hours are the worst. Getting out of Texas.  It is infinite flatlands and brown brown brown this year because of the drought.   Once I get to New Mexico I start to get hopeful though, the sparseness of the grasslands combined with the slowly gathering plateaus gives me a taste of topography, so when I hit Raton pass and MOUNTAINS I am just so pleased.
I was lucky to stay with the lovely Wolf-Nymph and her boyfriend for the duration of my trip here in Colorado and they welcomed me with open arms and delicious chicken wings *Omnomnomnom* I feel like I may have crashed super early that night. I was tired.
The next day we met a herd? flock? crowd? of artists at the zoo including Wolf-Nymph, Sidian, Keet, Wintersoul, Kinket, Teagen, Jay, Crimson, Ralley, Rukis, and perhaps more people whose names I am leaving out because I am still a bit sleepy and recovering from con. Here we oohed and aahed over the tigers who were being cute and crazy and amazing (I took a metric ton of pictures). And saw other such lovelies as polar bears being regal, porcupines making music with their quills, snakes that looked enameled and CAPYBARAS SWIMMING! Agh! The Cute! It Burns!
During the weekend of the con I didn't actually end up going to any homework  at the con but went home and worked alongside Wolf-Nymph as we did our homework as we each had a pretty heavy workload *GOOD*.  And I finished out the Con with SUSHI with other artists, which was lovely barring the slow service. I got a chance to talk to Dark Natasha and Diane more than I had previously as well as Idess.  Rooth herded us crazy artist together to get there, and I got a chance to chill with him and have delicious delicious coconut hazelnut iced coffee at Starbucks beforehand (thanks Rooth!)  
Things I learned from the con : 
RMFC likes their otters! I met quite a few and they were all lovely, Skip and Skipp you were awesome! And I hope to do work for you again in the future
Tribal gryphon stickers do well here - which makes me incredibly happy, I like my tribal gryphon
I need to get my prices for graphite badges where they need to be. So all of you who got one here, you got the last discount prices, I had never raised them as no one was buying them but DAMN you guys liked them and they have been way underpriced for the amount of time/work that goes into them. So be happy you got them here.
Just re-iterating the staff and congoers as a whole are SO friendly. I love this con for its chill happiness.

It was a pleasure meeting people I've only talked to online, and seeing old friends and commissioners, and meeting new people.  I would name names, but I am sure I would leave people out and would feel bad.  But thanks for the origami dove YOU and I am looking foward to working with you on a sketchbook cover YOU other than that, if I met you and talked to you it was a PLEASURE and I hope to see you again soon.  I got a chance to do an awesome commission of a fox with beer that was a blast to do, and have two large commissions on my plate now that I am MOST sincerely looking forward to, so thank you so much for those pieces guys!  I think my true love will always be doing large paintings for people.

Now it is Tuesday, and I spent yesterday baking fudge and doing homework with Wolf-Nymph and Wintersoul and today will catch up with an old friend and then camp for a day or two before I head home.  I just want to say THANK YOU again to everyone who made this con amazing.  Oh, and before I forget. I am moving to Colorado and the end of September and am SO excited!

May 2016

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