Nov. 18th, 2014 04:27 pm
Just an update to say, in spite of finances, in spite of a few other things. Right now? Right now, life is good. I'm busy. I have personal projects that are being re-vamped. I have a wonderful man in my life. I have sun on snow, and time with friends. I'm working on my SkulKlan graphic novel. On my Broken Worlds work. On portfolio stuff for Spectrum.

My family is coming over this Friday, and they'll be around for the weekend (in the case of my dad) and almost a full week, in the case of my brother and his girlfriend. I look forward to seeing all of them. And to hosting friendsgiving. And generally looking forward to this week.

I'm happy. I hope you are all having a lovely fall as well.
Because why not have a subject that is longer than it has any right to be?

Life events!!!

So my car, whose name is CARDIS, because of reasons*, had a couple moments in the past couple weeks where it would randomly 'hiccup'. I.e. Skip a cylinder when accelerating, I assumed the grounds were getting corroded again, it happened shortly after I got the car, took FOREVER to diagnose, but once I did was a relatively simple fix.  Only happened twice, a pretty far apart so I figured I had time to talk to my mechanically inclined friend.

Meanwhile.... HOUSESAT!
Was up in Fort Collins for almost a week, housesitting for the awesome [livejournal.com profile] idess where I hung out with her pups (and my pup) did lots of art on her couch, and cuddled chickens. That was pretty cool. I wasn't used to living without A/C so that was a bit of adventure, but I had a blast, and so did my pup.

Then I came home to THE RAIN
The rain, and the flood and the water forever.  Now, take into account that we live in a floodplain... Colorado doesn't get a ton of rain often but when it has one of those 100 year floods... well... its been pretty terrible here for people.  I've been terribly lucky, in that we weren't flooded out. The basement is fine, the new trees are fine, the veg garden is FLAT and pretty shot now, but overall... we're all right.  However during this nonsense, apparently it rained hard enough that it soaked my air filter... which shot dirty water up into my MAS when I went to drive my poor car and it misfired a LOT the next time I went to drive it and now is registering temperature sensor problems and not accelerating at all. :( So now I am carless, which sucks because I have a couple of car intensive errands I am supposed to run tomorrow. Cleaning and drying everything but my silly air filter just isn't drying because its been so humid here (which is bizarre, humidity in CO?? What??) Oh, yeah, and it hailed and now I have little paint dings in my car. Which makes me sads.

And then there were ROCKS!
I had planned on going to a fossil/gem/mineral show with a good friend Sunday and when my car zonked out I got super upset thinking I wouldn't be able to go. But luckily my boyfriend was able to drop me off and my friend drove me home. Man, we had a blast. I spent a bit too much money but now have some great focal pieces/things to play with for wire wrapping so I can put together some necklaces (some of which hopefully I'll sell) but among the treasure I found were some beautiful blue opal pieces, a small jar of mexican opal, fire agate, red tigers eye beads, ammonites, a chunk of petrified wood, and fossilized walrus teeth.  We were supposed to be home by 1 and got so distracted by all of the awesome that was around us we barely made it home by 2 whereupon people started showing up for

I host little or large making things events periodically and they are always varying sizes. I decided to host another one this past Sunday, but it was super small because I didn't feel like cleaning the whole house, putting out enough tables etc. And it ended up even smaller because (due to the rain/flooding) a couple of those few couldn't make it. But it was a blast. Zhon and I sorted our firey opally treasures, I painted some Exploding Van Gogh TARDIS shoes for a friend who paid me in sneakers to paint for myself. And then worked on two of my MissMonster masks and some wire-wrapping.  Some of the cool things that were being worked on at this get together were - crocheting/knitting, costume making (and costume repairing), coding for uploading to art sites, sculpting, and general cookery and silliness.  The food was pretty epic this time, I made a batch of chili from scratch, gluten-free cornbread was made by one friend, and another brought delicious pumpkin cheesecake that he made. NOM!

So now I am going to try and fix my bloody car before tomorrow so I can make it to see MUSE!!!!! (If not, I'll figure something out, but I'd like to have my car so I can continue initial plans).  I got tickets for them to see with a friend for her birthday, I'd rather not have to make her b'day plans stressful.

You'll probably be hearing a bit more from me for a while internet, even if its just food diary-ish stuff, because I think its a good idea to keep a food diary for reasons outlined below. But I'll try and do interesting stuff too.

So I'll end with the boring/gross stuff, skip this paragraph if you don't want boring gross food drama - I really need to start making note of what I eat everyday, and see if there is something that is tricking my poor tummy out.  I've never been one to have a super unsettled stomach and three times in the past three months I've thrown up right as I take that last bite of my breakfast. First time it was right after a lot of travel and pills got taken at wrong times and I thought I was reacting poorly to that. Second time it was after a night where I drank a bit more than usual but didn't feel like it was enough to throw up but that last bite of breakfast and my stomach revolted. And today... today nothing has been abnormal, that I can think of. Pills on time, no drinking in last three days, and still. Last bite of breakfast and stomach is done. Not even a moment of nauseau, just a sudden, message from my stomach of "Oh hey, get to a toilet NOW you have less than three minutes". So, I need to food  diary this nonsense. So what I can remember from yesterday is as follows - Breakfast : Eggs over easy and bacon, Lunch: Leftover Pot Roast, Snacks: bit of veg, fruit (grapes), and cheese, Dinner: Homemade chili with roasted green chilies and gf cornbread, and pumpkin cheesecake for dessert (did have a wheat crust but I hardly had any of it)

*CARDIS is thusly named because it is a) Bigger on the inside b) makes all sorts of noises other cars don't because of its exhaust (not because I leave the brakes on) c) was initally pretty twitchy/hard for me to drive because I hadn't driven manual in a while.

Of the last two month - bulleting style it b/c the idea of writing it all coherently makes me crazy and I want to write about life now and feel bad with this bigass gap.

so June started with basically 2 weeks hellish cramming for AC (b/c I spent a lot of May sick after too much work/exhaustion)
then 2 weeks hellish cramming for an art show at the beginning of July
the last few days of which were also crazy with trying to clean my studio so my roommate could stay there if needed, the guest room so his family could stay there (coming in town the DAY of my art opening) and my getting stuff ready for a week out of the house so his roomie could have the house
day of the show I slam my front tire into a curb trying to avoid a jackass - luckily its okay but a huge chunk out of the tire and wheel.
Trying to setup show in 3 hours
while negotiating with the boyfriend who was picking up my dad at the airport who he had never met ><'
Show went great!
Dad in town for 3 days - must show all of the things!
one day to sleep
family friend in town for 5 days - who was at a rough spot in her life so I got to be the ear she griped about everything in
body started shutting down (still not staying at my house mind)
by the second day she was here I was very sick
sick for a week - then sleeping in my bed again!
then company - back out of my house
aurora shooting (weird 3 degrees of seperation, knew 1 person there, 4 in the theater next door, plenty who planned on going and backed out- and friends of friends who got shot), furries getting hit in a hit and run, friend drama, and then another friend, while stressed and not paying attention backed into my car... (all in one day)
sick a little more - back home
finally feeling better, arting back to normal.
Car got an estimate, not too bad, friend is gonna pay to fix it..
con in 12 days...
I'm tired.. but at least doing better

So in essence... life has been crazy, but doing well now, should calm down, think after Rainfurrest I am done cons for the year... so that will be nice.

It is interesting looking back on life. On how our emotions and reactions evolve.
What follows is really an introspection on why I don't trust many people and how my reactions have involved. It is an incredibly self-driven post and I don't expect many people to get it or want to read it but I felt like writing it down

Lots of introspection on why I am how I am below (I tried to LJ cut but apparently am a failwhale)

When I was younger I was slow to trust ANYONE. I was the geeky child who read a whole lot, loved to learn, and did all sorts of things that 'popular' kids didn't do. I caught frogs, I had insect collections, I was in 4-H, I dressed how I wanted and I got made fun of. I got made fun of a LOT. So I didn't trust anyone. If they approached me I assumed it was to tease me, to mock me, or (rarely) to get answers for class homework.  Needless to say I had very few friends.

When I finally started to make friends I made a few poor choices. A girl who initially was a lot like me (interests, geekiness etc) then became involved with a local gang.  Last I heard she was in Juvi for drugs, but that was back in Junior High.  Then picked up with another crowd who were really friendly... until they weren't. I should have seen the signs, and boy I see them now if anyone so much as hints at it.  It was one of those if you disagreed with the alpha female she would destroy everything you held dear. And she did. She took everything from me, and it wasn't hard for her to do.  She actually told me afterwords that "She wouldn't have done it. Except that I made it so easy." Those words stuck with me. I know it is mere childhood problems but they were incredibly formative in my views of the world. I learned that I couldn't trust people. That those close to me would betray me. That they would use me to their own ends if they could.  And I learned from my mother that if you cry, if you get upset, no one will respect you.  She taught me that you hold it all in and you deal. You become cold. And most of all you NEVER let anyone see you cry.

So college rolls around and I don't trust anyone. I am nice to people. I am polite, but I don't make friends. Not really.  Until I started climbing.  Climbing for me has been a revolution. You HAVE to trust people. Not only just trust them. But trust them with your life.  It was so strange to me. To suddenly have these friends who I was forced to trust.  It did me a world of good.  And it helps immensely that there are very few climbers (in general) who are not cool, chill, people who are bluntly honest.  They exist sure, but compared to a slice of the rest of the world, the percentage is much fewer. 

Between my experiences climbing and gaining friends whose families encouraged open, honest, dialogue between themselves and between friends I began to grow. I trusted more people. I talked to more people. I started to make friends. Unfortunately it took me until far after college to really get to where I could do open and honest dialogue. I think this is why it took me a long time to start blogging. To want to really work on my writing, on my graphic novel, on maybe doing a webcomic. Art is art. It is open to interpretation, and especially if you are doing commission work the interpretation should be someonme elses. But the idea of putting my words on a page. That is far to much like dialogue. That is like talking to another person. And telling someone else when life goes all to hell. My mother had taught me that it was unacceptable. As much as I do love my mom, the damage she did to me, and to my relationships by telling me those things. By a few choice comments she could say, has been irreperable.  I may have lost someone I care incredibly deeply about forever.  I finally came clean to him recently, told him why I ran away instead of talking to him. It was because I didn't know better. I had done it to other people before but I had never been so cruel as to just leave before. And I never got over it, and I'm not sure that he did either.  I did my best to apologize, to explain how INCREDIBLY sorry I am about it. How I will never forgive myself, but how could I expect him to understand. It took me years to untangle my life and be able to put it on a page. Years to be able to tell a friends something is wrong rather than excuse myself pre-emptively from a gathering and just go home and cry.  I was taught never to let anyone see me cry. So I didn't. 

It's been years now. I'm still bad about letting people know how much I hurt, or when I think something is wrong. But I'm getting better. I don't suspect my friends are going to turn on me anymore, but I am less forgiving than I would like. To myself, and to others. I have trouble forgiving people when they betray my trust, but I have never forgiven myself for some of my past betrayals. It is something I will have to work on for much longer I think.

It is interesting that I have also been trusting my instincts much more.  If I immediately feel good about someone, I am much more likely to look at them. I used to be far more analytical, I would take into account what I knew about them, how other people referred to them, I would ignore my gut feelings as that is just emotion. And I was taught that emotion was flawed, and really could not be trusted.  I've found that listening to my gut when I meet people has been a much more effective way of analyzing relationships.  I still get fooled, don't get me wrong, but it seems to happen less often.

So again, with my personal growth and trying to learn from my past, I will really make a better effort to write here. It is dialogue with a community. It is that thing I always most feared.  I realized that in the past I have used this only to make big announcements, for good or for ill, when I thought people should know about what was going on so they could gauge my workload/art accordingly. But really, it will be nice to write. To dialogue, or perhaps to monologue, to this audience.
First post in ages it seems. But just figured I'd give everyone a heads up on whats up in life.
I have been doing tons of art. I'm actually quite pleased with my progress on commissions, on playing cards and got a few other things in queue.
I have finished all of my AC orders and shipped them out. Finished a private commission which was fun to do and still can't post it.  I am all caught up on playing cards (got behind for the first time since starting the project what with the two weeks of driving). And am trying to push ahead to have a buffer before I drive back to Texas.  The drive back to Texas will be sometime at the end of the month - I am flying a holding pattern while waiting for a friend to get back to me. For I am trying to catch up with her to hang out one evening in DC.  Currently it looks like my drive to TX will begin in Jersey, quick stop in Philly, down to DC, down to NC, and then across to Dallas. We'll see if it really does this.
I will be entering the werewolf contest again this year. I have a preliminary sketch that I am pretty excited about, I may post over on tumblr or something for you guys to check out/comment on.  I am also planning out a large gryphon pictures which I am REALLY excited about and plan on really pushing myself on.  The one BIG regret of this trip is that I didn't bring my laptop, only my netbook. Which is tiny. And a bit slow. And doesn't have PS. So updating is such a pain, which is why I haven't been doing it much.
This trip HAS been full of such glory as ZOOS (2) and AVIARYS (1 and then the ones in the zoos). So I am super excited to see my pics on my Super Shiney machine when I get home vs this tiny little nonsense screen.
Plans for the rest of the trip include a trip into the City (i.e. NY) to go to the Met, Canal St., and go see WARHORSE!!!!!! *SQUEE* I am SO excited to see warhorse.  So much amazing puppetry man. AMAZING puppetry.  I will try and finish up my 'Understanding Comics' book I have been reading. Start on the panelling for SkulKlan (I promised I'd start paneling soon and here I go). And start reading my book on tarot so in a year or so I can start THAT project.  I am also working on a great commission right now of a fox playing poker, so will be busy with that as well.  I am just starting color studies and transfer to final size image.  Expect a lot of uploading of art when I get back to Texas and have PS to fix these photos. I feel bad posting art that hasn't been properly adjusted to look good.

So yeah, this journal has been totally stream of consciousness. Which means its a mess. Mad props if you made it this far. 
Just keeps on going...

The update for my personal info is this paragraph for those of you that read the crap of September.
Well apparently my parents are done.  They aren't going to try.  Which hurts... but they have to do what they have to do.  At least they stopped calling and bitching to me.  Which I appreciate, that is not a spot I want to be in.
The better news is that Todd decided he'd rather be with me than have kids *d'aww*  but we are probably going to have to be in Texas for a while.  And honestly we aren't back to 'right' yet, but we are going to try.   Part of the problem is apparently he doesn't like our current home so he is going to buy a house in Dallas, and since he knows how much I despise Texas I will just plan on traveling a lot in the summer.  And so I am looking at getting a camper, and will visit a lot of friends and family over the summer.  Hopefully combined with con trips so it is all businessy.
My aunt is still sick. She wouldn't see my dad when he went to visit, because she doesn't want anyone to see her that ill *rolls eyes*.  He flew out to PA to see her and she wouldn't see him.  Oh, well.

Been painting a ton of masked sphinxes.  Which I really enjoy.
The button maker is not working right.  Gonna try one more time but ARG nothing is lining up right!!! The backs are all setting crooked and the manufacturer is being no help.
Stickers are FAB - now I have stickers of my tree critters and my tribalish critters, fun stuff.
Got a call from my mom the other day that apparently her horse got into the outdoor area where my parrot lived.  Lived as she knocked over his cage and he flew away.  She has been leaving food out and the area open, but no sight or sound (most telling) of him.  He was such a sweet bird.   LOUD. But sweet. I am really going to miss him.  This is particularly hard for me as the month before I was trying to figure out how/when to bring him to my house. I put it off because I didn't want to have to see my parent's.  Shoulda Coulda Woulda but I am too late.

Soes... I am a) short on money b) cleaning out the studio so if anyone is interested in these old gesture studies let me know. They will be $10 plus $10 shipping (sorry, expensive shipping I know but they are BIG 18"x24" and will need to be shipped in tubes and such.  Send me an e-mail if you are interested in any of them (include the photo # i.e. DSC_0090) or whatever.  Then I will make sure no one else reserved it, get payment and ship them off promptly.  Also, let me know if you have any questions on materials or whatnot. 

WARNING - THIS IS ALL LIFE DRAWINGS FROM NUDE MODELS - Almost everyone who watches me is a fellow artist, but just in case you are one of the few who isn't and might get offended, yeah, that is your big bold warning.

So here is the link - http://www.flickr.com/photos/27823078@N08/

May 2016

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