So I know it's silly. I know some people would like to be my size (relatively I guess).  I know I am not unattractive. And yet some days I stare in the mirror and just feel like crap.  Like nothing is right. And most of this probably stems from the fact that I am incredibly out of shape. The fact that my pants size hasn't changed to much during all of these health problems is a tribute to my diet/good metabolism/decent amount of walking.  But really. I was in the best shape of my life before these stupid injuries and I am just now able to get to work out again (Very VERY carefully as per my doctors orders). And I feel like crap. And I feel like I must look like crap because of it.

I got all dolled up for this Halloween party I just came back from and was feeling pretty good about myself and one stupid freaking offhand comment from a guy that I barely even heard just sent me tumbling back down the rabbit hole. I doubt myself, I doubt that I will ever get back in shape, and I doubt that I will ever go on a date with someone I find attractive again.  It is ridiculous. I am completely aware of this. I know that I am not some hideous person that no one can love, and yet it gets to me.  And when I am feeling particularly vulnerable it just hits hard.  Depression is one of those struggles that often seems to hit just when you are feeling your best. When you are on top of the world and having a great time and suddenly it side-swipes you and you have no idea where it came from and how to claw your way out of the stringy greasy pit of self doubt and loathing that it tossed you in. 

I have been absolutely loving being in Colorado. Sincerely, totally loving it.  I have made fantastic friends here, and have strengthened my previous friendships. I love getting to go hiking, I adore the crispness of the weather. I REALLY love hanging out with other artists. But dammit I wish I could have left the depression and body issues back in Texas.
So my health has been crummy. Yep, we've talked about this. I have been doing better about keeping my diet more on track (less carbs/sugars) and trying to be good about taking my pills but you know what helps the most?

Two things.
1) Getting OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE. Which is one of the main reasons I moved... I hardly did it in Texas as for most of the year it was too bloody hot. And this week I was kind of bad about it because I felt really pressured to finish some commissions. But you know what? On the days I did get out and walk around... with a friend, with my puppy, just AROUND. I felt a lot better. And that translated through to the morning. I slept better, and I didn't wake up feeling like I was coming out of an anxiety attack.

2) Being with friends. Getting a chance to hang out with my buddy Wolf-Nymph noticeably lowered my stress level too. I.e. yesterday, when I did both things, I slept infinitely better than I have in quite a while, and didn't wake up with chest pains.

It's funny what happens when you listen to your doctor and your body. And it is kind of proving to me that I did the right thing coming here. I am MUCH more inclined to get outside here, and go and DO things. Not to mention Colorado is full of artsy friends. I love being creative with other people, it makes the process so much more enjoyable and fluid.

In other news, still looking for a permanent place to be, and staring at the list of THINGS TO DO. Which is too damn long.
I decided to sit down and make a proper list and damn. I mean, just damn. I have an awful lot of stuff on the burner, but really not enough of it is paid work >< Which is just kind of painful. But still. I hope to finish up the playing cards in the next three weeks (hoping to finish early, we'll see if it happens - my commissions always take first priority). I have a lot of personal projects I need to work on and a ton of internet/businessy stuff to finish *blagh*. The only bit of being a small business I don't care for is the actual BUSINESS side of it, but whatever.

Next convention is OklaCon, so prepping some steampunky goodness right now *grinz*
Soes... I am a) short on money b) cleaning out the studio so if anyone is interested in these old gesture studies let me know. They will be $10 plus $10 shipping (sorry, expensive shipping I know but they are BIG 18"x24" and will need to be shipped in tubes and such.  Send me an e-mail if you are interested in any of them (include the photo # i.e. DSC_0090) or whatever.  Then I will make sure no one else reserved it, get payment and ship them off promptly.  Also, let me know if you have any questions on materials or whatnot. 

WARNING - THIS IS ALL LIFE DRAWINGS FROM NUDE MODELS - Almost everyone who watches me is a fellow artist, but just in case you are one of the few who isn't and might get offended, yeah, that is your big bold warning.

So here is the link - http://www.flickr.com/photos/27823078@N08/

May 2016

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