lauragarabedian

So I know it's silly. I know some people would like to be my size (relatively I guess).  I know I am not unattractive. And yet some days I stare in the mirror and just feel like crap.  Like nothing is right. And most of this probably stems from the fact that I am incredibly out of shape. The fact that my pants size hasn't changed to much during all of these health problems is a tribute to my diet/good metabolism/decent amount of walking.  But really. I was in the best shape of my life before these stupid injuries and I am just now able to get to work out again (Very VERY carefully as per my doctors orders). And I feel like crap. And I feel like I must look like crap because of it.

I got all dolled up for this Halloween party I just came back from and was feeling pretty good about myself and one stupid freaking offhand comment from a guy that I barely even heard just sent me tumbling back down the rabbit hole. I doubt myself, I doubt that I will ever get back in shape, and I doubt that I will ever go on a date with someone I find attractive again.  It is ridiculous. I am completely aware of this. I know that I am not some hideous person that no one can love, and yet it gets to me.  And when I am feeling particularly vulnerable it just hits hard.  Depression is one of those struggles that often seems to hit just when you are feeling your best. When you are on top of the world and having a great time and suddenly it side-swipes you and you have no idea where it came from and how to claw your way out of the stringy greasy pit of self doubt and loathing that it tossed you in. 

I have been absolutely loving being in Colorado. Sincerely, totally loving it.  I have made fantastic friends here, and have strengthened my previous friendships. I love getting to go hiking, I adore the crispness of the weather. I REALLY love hanging out with other artists. But dammit I wish I could have left the depression and body issues back in Texas.